Why Is This Battle Taking So Long? Shippuuden Ver
by Ninstation X
Summary: Think you can keep up with the pace of a Naruto Shippuuden-style battle? You probably can, even turtles can.
1. Memories

"Walking through this generic forest while looking for and angsting about Sasuke sure is fun," said Naruto.

"I agree," said Sakura.

-Flashback-

("I can remember the time 5 seconds ago, when me and Naruto would look for and angst about Sasuke,") thought Sakura.

-End Flashback-

More walking and more talking occurs.

"Hey Sakura," said Naruto.

"Yes?" responded Sakura.

"Remember that time a little while ago when we walked and talked? You know, when the walking and talking occurred?"

-Flashback-

Walking and talking ensued.

-End Flashback-

"Yes, I remember," said Sakura.

"Good," said Naruto, "because if you didn't, we'd have to fill this episode with actual action instead of flashbacks and useless talking."

"Really?" said Sakura.

"Yep, the episode is already over now," commented Naruto.

"Um...but nothing really happened."

"Nothing at all," repeated Naruto.

End.


	2. Is There a Limit?

"I think I'm getting fat," said Naruto.

"Okay, Naruto, I think there's a limit to how many off-topic comments and ramblings we can use to lengthen an episode," said Sakura.

"Remember that time when..."

"No!" yelled Sakura.

But it was too late.

-Flashback-

"I think I'm getting fat," said Naruto.

-End Flashback-

"This is getting annoying," said Sakura.

"Don't say that!" claimed Naruto. "Lest we end up with even more mind-numbing, seemingly endless filler seasons. You should be lucky they even started up on Shippuuden. They could have just gave another filler season to previous Naruto instead."

Sakura shuddered, "Point taken."

"Bwahaha," came a voice from the shadows.

"Who's that?!" screamed Naruto.

"Probably a ninja," stated Sakura.

The voice spoke again, "It's me, Mean Ninja! To face me, you'll have to get to my secret lair which I put various traps around. Farewell."

"He's gone," said Naruto nervously. "Remember that time when the voice..."

"SHUT UP!" said Sakura.

"Oh Great!" whined Naruto. "Now that you've stopped our long flashback sequence, we need something else to fill up the last 3 minutes of the show."

"We could talk about memories with Sasuke for 3 minutes," suggested Sakura.

"That's a great idea!" said Naruto.

3 Sasuke-filled minutes later.

End.


	3. Find the Hideout!

"Now where did Mean Ninja say he was at?" asked Naruto.

Sakura answered, "He said..."

-Flashback-

"You'll have to get to my secret lair which I put various traps around."

-End Flashback-

"Another thing I don't get about these flashbacks is why don't we just _say_ what was explained before," complained Sakura.

"Because that doesn't take up 5 minutes of potential ninja action," stated Naruto. "Trust me, Sakura, people stay fans of our series for constant Sasuke angst and constant flashbacks. It's just a part of being a ninja."

"Oh," said Sakura.

"Now let's get to Mean Ninja's hideout!" said Naruto.

They started traveling there by jumping on various trees.

1 episode later.

"We have to get to his hideout!" Naruto said in anger.

1 episode later.

"We have to get to his hideout!" Naruto said in extreme anger.

1 episode later.

"Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!" said Naruto in anger...er...remembrance.

3 episodes later.

"Okay," said Sakura. "We might actually need to do something by now. We've stretched doing nothing for like 7 episodes already."

Naruto sighed, "Fine, the hideout's to the left." He pointed.

"Wow, that's lucky," said Sakura.

"Not really. I've been leading us around in circles so we could draw out more episodes. We really could have approached Mean Ninja right after he talked about his lair if I wanted."

Sakura punched Naruto.

("I'll have to remember this punch to have a flashback later,") thought Naruto, falling to the ground.

-- Inside Mean Ninja's Hideout.

"They're outside!" said Mean Ninja, while reading a book. -sigh- "And this book is just so interesting. I don't feel like going out there to meet them. I'll just stay in here and hope they get in when I'm around the last chapter."

-- Outside Mean Ninja's Hideout.

"He's in there," said Naruto, then he paused.

"Duh," said Sakura. "Oh wait, you're just saying that to draw out more time."

-A robot ninja trap robot came out, _variously_-

"I'm a trap," said the robot.

"Oh no!" said Naruto. "This reminds me of Sasuke!"

"Grr..." said Sakura. "How are we going to defeat this robot?"

5 minutes of intense closeups and staredowns later.

("I don't understand why they just don't attack me,") thought the robot. ("I'm really easily defeatable. It's not like I'm worth more than being in 1 full episode.")

5 episodes later.

"I think I feel like moving," said Naruto.

6 episodes later.

"Me too," said Sakura.

7 episodes later.

("I've gathered rust,") thought the robot.

End.


	4. Almost to the Hideout!

"I'm just so sick of this," said the Robot.

"Oh no, I'm nervous now!" shivered Naruto.

"What?!" said the Robot. "All I did was speak."

"Is this the end?!" screamed Sakura.

-Naruto dramatically fell to the ground-

Sakura screamed, "Naaaaruuuuuutoooo!!!!!!!"

("I'm so close to initiating my self-destruct sequence right now,") thought the robot.

-Rock Lee came in right before the robot landed its finishing blow-

"I NEVER _STARTED_ THE BLOW!" screamed the Robot.

"I'll take things from here," smiled Rock Lee.

"Hurray!" said Sakura. "You can always count on the lower characters to come in and fight the lower villains. Now, Naruto, to the hideout!"

Naruto and Sakura left to walk slowly towards the hideout while Rock Lee fought the robot.

"It's all come down to this," said Sakura.

"Finally," said Naruto, as they slowly were reaching the entrance of the hideout.

-5 minutes later-

"All that we've been through has come down to this," Naruto said with another step.

"Our struggles have led us to this moment!" said Sakura with another step.

Rock Lee groaned, "Can you guys walk a little faster? You are still in my fighting area."

"Yeah," said the Robot. "I've had to recharge my battery 4 times, because being with you people is so time consuming."

-10 minutes later-

"The crevice of our destiny is here," said Naruto with another step.

"The postulation of the..."

"OKAY!" said Mean Ninja. "It's so hard to read my book when you guys repeatedly inch forward with your never ending monologues."

"It's come to this," said Naruto. "The battle with Mean Ninja."

"Oh yeah," said Mean Ninja. "Bring it..."

"But first," interrupted Naruto, "we should at least incorporate a wider range of flashbacks up to this moment from when the series first began."

-25 minutes of flashbacks later-

Dramatic closeups of everyone.

End.


	5. Almost to the Big Battle!

("Hahaha, I'm so calm and collect,") thought Mean Ninja.

("Hahaha, I'm so angry and mad,") thought Naruto.

"Technically, we should be battling right now," said Sakura, "...but I guess standing around looking at each other is progress too."

3 minutes of closeups later.

"Wait!" said Mean Ninja. "You didn't get my good side."

2 minutes of Mean Ninja closeups later.

"This would be a good time to think about how the battle will be instead of actually having it," said Sakura.

"Right! He looks tough," said Naruto.

"Let's bask in his tough appearance for 5 minutes longer," said Sakura.

5 minutes of gawking later.

("It's getting hard to keep up this arrogant smirk,") thought Mean Ninja. ("I just want to go back to my book. In my world, people spend more time having the fight then preparing for it... There's nothing to do now but wait.")

3 minutes later.

"..."

4 minutes later.

"..."

5 minutes later.

Naruto clenched his fists.

"Finally!" said Mean Ninja. "We can..."

Naruto unclenched his fists and did nothing.

Mean Ninja sighed.

-- Meanwhile, outside the hideout.

"Is this the end?!" cried Rock Lee.

"Yes, it is," said the Robot. "With my _Chakra-Robot-Kill-You-Technique,_ you're done for."

"I'm done for!!!" cried Rock Lee.

"I was only bluffing," said the Robot. "My technique is as deadly as squirting mustard in your eye."

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed Rock Lee.

"You're overly dramatic."

-- Back with the big boss battle.

"I do mean things," said Mean Ninja.

"Grr...you what?!" Naruto growled and glowed red.

"He's evolving!" yelled a pokemon fan.

"Oh no!" said Sakura. "The demon spirit is getting out again. Let's flashback to when it came out before and caused massive destruction."

-After the flashback-

"So I feel nervous now because of what happened then," finished Sakura.

15 minutes of rising anger later.

"You charged up yet?" asked Mean Ninja.

"NOOOOO!!!!!" roared Naruto. "I'm going to milk this demon scene for all it's worth."

("Like the time a while back, when I flashed back about remembering that demon thing transformation,") thought Sakura.

-After another flashback-

("So now I'm now doubly scared and nervous of what may happen now as a result Naruto's evil transformation,") thought Sakura.

"I finished the cookies," said Mean Ninja. "I had enough time to make 2 batches."

"Yummy!" said Sakura, who rushed over and ate some cookies.

20 minutes later.

"I'm stuffed," said Sakura.

"I'm done charging up," announced Naruto.

Sakura wiped cookie crumbs from her mouth and rejoined Naruto's side of the room.

"I'm gonna beat you senseless," said Naruto, as he clenched his fists.

5 minutes later.

"Then do it!!" shouted Mean Ninja. "Do _something_."

Naruto charged forward and punched Mean Ninja.

("Ow, that hurt,") thought Mean Ninja. ("But at least we actually started the battle.")

End.

"WHAT?!" screamed Mean Ninja.


	6. Too Cool to Feel Pain

("This kid totally messed up my nose,") thought Mean Ninja. ("It hurts so bad, but I'll have to play it cool.")

Mean Ninja smirked, "Now it's time for me to get _serious_."

"Oh no!" said Sakura, with sweat on her face.

("These kids obviously never heard of the word 'bluff,'") thought Mean Ninja.

"Grr..." said Naruto, who was completely engulfed in red chakra. "I'm boiling with anger."

10 minutes later.

"Grr..." growled Naruto.

"You know what?" said Mean Ninja. "I'm just going to declare myself the winner because I am sick of this."

Naruto punched him again.

Blood heavily poured out from Mean Ninja's face.

"Haha," MN said woozily, "I'm just a shadow clone, and the real me is safe. I gots da upper hand."

"OH NO!" Sakura said in a sweat.

Naruto got madder.

("The bluffing and lies are still working,") thought MN, ("but I don't know how long I can last with this massive blood-loss. Maybe, in the future, I should try to direct my attention more towards fighting rather than looking 'cool.'")

Naruto charged for another blow.

"WAIT!" said MN. "This is the perfect time for a flashback of my childhood and why I became evil."

"Oh," said Naruto.

-3 episodes later-

"...Yep," finished Mean Ninja.

"Oh," said Naruto. He then bashed Mean Ninja to a pulp.

Mean Ninja fell to the ground in slow motion, "I hope my fangirls still love me even though I'm seen in an uncool and bloody light this time."

-- Meanwhile

"Please just kill me," said the Robot. "I've even tried to give you a knife three times within this fight."

"No, because you remind me of my past when I..." started Rock Lee.

-1 flashback later-

"...so we shall fight fairly," finished Rock Lee.

The robot was now a pile of ashes. There was a note beside the pile.

It read: _I self-destructed as a way to escape the seemingly endless flashbacks. I win!_

"Hmm..." said Rock Lee. "I recall when the robot self-destructed in the middle of my flashback."

-Flashback-

"What?" said the Robot. "Why am I alive again! You stopped my eternal rest with the power of flashbacks? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

-End Flashback-

End.


	7. Is he dead yet?

Mean Ninja was huddled in a corner, sobbing.

"Well, I certainly don't have the hots for him now," said a random fangirl.

Naruto calmed down, and the red chakra disappeared.

Sakura approached him, "Naruto...we...as in Konohana as a whole...all noticed your 'anger problem.'"

"WHAT!" said Naruto.

"It's nothing to get mad over," Sakura said nervously, "but we all just would like you to go through an anger management course or 3."

"What'd you say?!" screamed Naruto. "My demon doesn't want to!"

"Now, Naruto. _You_ have to make the first step, not the demon."

Mean Ninja got up from the corner and stopped sobbing, "Um...-sniff- this was all a part of my plan." He was really trying hard not to cry. "So it's time to release my secret technique!"

"You mean 'jutsu,'" corrected Naruto.

"Oh right, my secret jutsu," said MN.

Mean Ninja did something complex relating to chakra and within seconds the room was full of old ladies. _Mean_ old ladies.

"OH NO!" screamed Sakura.

"Oh no, is what I'd say about your hair," said one mean, old lady.

"And what's with the ugly one with tears coming down his face," ridiculed another mean, old lady.

"Mina! That's our boss!" corrected another old lady.

"Whoops," said Mina. "What's with the _pretty_ one with tears coming down his face."

Mean Ninja smiled, "Now behold the power of my Old Mean Lady Jutsu!"

The mean, old ladies charged up,** "NAGNAGNAGNAGNAGNAGNAGNANGINMYDAYNAGNAG!"**

"AAAAHHHHH!!" screamed Naruto and Sakura in pain.

"Writhe in pain," laughed Mean Ninja.

"Hey, Sakura," said Naruto. "This reminds me off the time before..."

-Flashback-

"You can't escape us in here!" said the mean, old lady.

-End Flashback-

Naruto growled, "You ruined my flashback!" He turned red and glowed again.

The mean, old lady trembled, "I shouldn't have done that."

-Naruto bashed the old lady in the head-

"See," said Sakura. "This is why we all secretly made the anger management courses, court ordered."

Not before long, Naruto savagely beat all the mean, old ladies.

There was a big explosion, and the whole hideout was blown to pieces. _Ninja_ pieces.

"Well, that takes care of that," Naruto said, while coming out of the rubble.

"I..I guess so," Sakura said, barely grasping to life.

Mean Ninja came out of the pile, "You know winning is never that easy in this show."

"How'd you survive!?" questioned Naruto.

"Er...ninja stuff," said Mean Ninja, "but now I'm going to do something else!...next episode."

End.

"No really," said Naruto. "How did you survive that?"

"Being in a show like this one, it doesn't have to make sense. All us villains have to do is just say 'cus I'm a ninja' or 'chakra did it' and we're spared."


	8. THE LAST BATTLE!

("What do I do now?!") thought Mean Ninja. ("Aha!")

Mean Ninja approached Naruto and Sakura with a smirk, "It's the end for you."

"How many times have I heard that line," Naruto rolled his eyes.

Mean Ninja started again, "Using the power of improvisation...I mean...chakra, I'm going to kill you now!" Mean Ninja pulled out a twig.

"WHAT'S THAT!?!?!?!" screamed Sakura.

"Hahahaha," laughed Mean Ninja. "It's a twig. A twig enhanced by my chakra, making it a _chakra_ _twig_. Say your prayers!"

Mean Ninja threw the stick at Sakura, but she barely dodged it.

"Oh," said Mean Ninja. "Okay, IT'S THE END FOR YOU **AGAIN** with my newer onslaught!...that will be revealed next episode."

Naruto sighed.

End.


	9. Finally, THE LAST BATTLE!

("I'm missing my show,") thought Mean Ninja.

"What's he planning?" Naruto said to Sakura.

"I don't know," said Sakura, "but it's probably a good idea, as ninjas, to wait for him to execute his plan instead of just attacking now."

("Okay,") thought Mean Ninja. ("Use your surroundings...I already attacked them with a twig. What else can I use?...")

Mean Ninja called to Naruto, "Hey, you got a knife or something?"

"Yeah," said Naruto. "You need to use it?"

"Yes," smiled MN _evilly_. Naruto tossed it to him. "Prepare to die with my chakra-enriched knife!" Mean Ninja charged forward.

The attack failed...because he tripped. Maybe that's why regular ninjas don't wear long cloaks when battling.

"So, we're done now?" said Naruto.

"No," coughed Mean Ninja. "I have one more trick up my sleeve!...next episode!"

End.


	10. THE LAST BATTLE?

Mean Ninja coughed and wheezed.

"Are you sure we don't need to get you to a hospital?" asked Sakura.

"No! I just need to catch my breath. Then you're dead for sure!..."

"Okay," said Sakura.

"You didn't let me finish," screamed Mean Ninja. "...Next episode!"

End.


	11. I miss Sasuke

"Um..." said Mean Ninja. "I've honestly run out of attacks. Can we finish this up tomorrow?"

"No," said Naruto.

Sakura punched Mean Ninja.

Mean Ninja died that day, _horribly._

"Hey Sakura," said Naruto. "Remember when you punched Mean Ninja?"

-After the Flashback-

"I'm still alive!" said Mean Ninja as he stood up.

Sakura gasped.

"Oh wait, I'm dead this time, sorry." He collapsed.

"How anticlimactic," said Naruto.

"I miss Sasuke," said Sakura.

"And I guess that's what really matters out of this whole experience," smiled Naruto.

The End. But remember, it's never the end with the power of flashbacks.


End file.
